Beat
Its there
Beat
Beat
I hear it
Beat
Beat
Beat
I feel it
Beat
But I don’t believe it
Withstanding the blows, every strike, jab, or cut
It still carries on
My hearts relentless beats flowing life through my battered soul
It still carries on
Through every shudder, cry, or pitiful gasp
It still carries on
Being knocked down from my pursuit of freedom remaining forever caged in my personal hell
Breathe in
Remaining at a loss of self worth and self decision watching any sense of freewill slip from my grasp
Breathe out
Having to accept in my bones that I am and always will remain completely and utterly alone stealing every ounce of life force in my possession to just…
Breathe
Beat
Its there
Beat
Beat
I hear it
Beat
Beat
Beat
I feel it
Beat
But I don’t believe it
7.07.2009
6.05.2009
Stop Believing
"I was a fool to believe,
It all ends today.
Today's the day when dreaming ends"
How can something as innocent as a dream end up filling you with so much sorrow? In reality it is defined as nothing more than "a series of mental images and emotions occurring during sleep" or "a state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality". However in my case dreams have become a cage, concealing me within the corners of my mind as an inevitable series of events haunt my state of mind to the point of insanity. They force me to see faces remember... Remember past tears and heart wrenching pain that kills me. It makes me feel weak, and helpless two things I had always promised myself I would never be.
When will it end? When will I forget? When can I cure myself of my ridiculous obsession with love? The one thing that always deepens my pain to an unforeseen level is the reminder of how unloved I truly am. My mother has always regretted having me, and my brother has always envied me. My friends are the closest thing I have to love, but they have families of their own that mean so much more to them than I ever could. And to believe for a second that within these dreams I could possibly be seen as something special in the eyes of another just cuts me even deeper.
I just want the dreams to stop, FOREVER, that way I will never hope again. And maybe one day it will hurt a little less than it does now. Maybe.
It all ends today.
Today's the day when dreaming ends"
How can something as innocent as a dream end up filling you with so much sorrow? In reality it is defined as nothing more than "a series of mental images and emotions occurring during sleep" or "a state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality". However in my case dreams have become a cage, concealing me within the corners of my mind as an inevitable series of events haunt my state of mind to the point of insanity. They force me to see faces remember... Remember past tears and heart wrenching pain that kills me. It makes me feel weak, and helpless two things I had always promised myself I would never be.
When will it end? When will I forget? When can I cure myself of my ridiculous obsession with love? The one thing that always deepens my pain to an unforeseen level is the reminder of how unloved I truly am. My mother has always regretted having me, and my brother has always envied me. My friends are the closest thing I have to love, but they have families of their own that mean so much more to them than I ever could. And to believe for a second that within these dreams I could possibly be seen as something special in the eyes of another just cuts me even deeper.
I just want the dreams to stop, FOREVER, that way I will never hope again. And maybe one day it will hurt a little less than it does now. Maybe.
5.08.2009
It Hurts
I don't know where to begin.
I can't think. It's hard to process anything. I'm sitting here, looking around, and I know what these objects are... but nothing makes sense when I stare at them. I can recognize the toilet and know what it is... but it's faceless... nameless.... pointless. The sink... the shower... the disgusting water stains and mildew on the cracks of the tub... the broken and chipped tiles on the floor...
It all reminds me of me.
I am disgusting.
I am broken.
I can't walk. I can barely stand. My body hurts. My chest is aching so intensely, it makes it hard to sit here without toppling over. My lungs, they are crushed, forcing air to come out in gasps...
I can't breathe very well and I don't have the ability to stop shaking...
I'm hiding inside of the bathroom right now, so no one can find me. I don't know what to do. What do I do? What happened? Was this my fault?
...Is it possible that I am dead? Somehow writing this, but not existing? Because that would make more sense. Perhaps something has weighed down so heavily on my body, that I escaped it, and am staring down at myself. No... It's not possible.
I don't feel good. I feel like I'm going to pass out.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know. Please God, tell me what to do... Tell me what to do because I can't figure this out.
What did I do? Did I deserve this?
God, I really don't feel good....Oh God, I hurt. This fucking hurts, this fucking hurts, this fucking hurts. It all just HURTS so much.
Please Lord help me. Take this away from me. Let me die.
My stomach hurts so bad. I feel my body, my chest, it's all closing....
I wish he was here.
I really do. He'd hold me in his arms and take this away from me, I KNOW he would. I wish he could be here to tell me that I'm OKAY, and that he has me now. That it's OKAY to cry. Because right now, I don't know what to do. But he'd tell me it's okay, I know he would. I wish he was here so bad... I'd give anything to have him, to see his hands holding me, for him to kiss away this FUCKING PAIN. I wish that he'd just take this all away from me, BECAUSE I'M REALLY SCARED RIGHT NOW... I miss him so much. I need him.
But he doesn’t need or want me…I’m not wanted…I’m alone
GOD WHAT DID I DO?
I can't think. It's hard to process anything. I'm sitting here, looking around, and I know what these objects are... but nothing makes sense when I stare at them. I can recognize the toilet and know what it is... but it's faceless... nameless.... pointless. The sink... the shower... the disgusting water stains and mildew on the cracks of the tub... the broken and chipped tiles on the floor...
It all reminds me of me.
I am disgusting.
I am broken.
I can't walk. I can barely stand. My body hurts. My chest is aching so intensely, it makes it hard to sit here without toppling over. My lungs, they are crushed, forcing air to come out in gasps...
I can't breathe very well and I don't have the ability to stop shaking...
I'm hiding inside of the bathroom right now, so no one can find me. I don't know what to do. What do I do? What happened? Was this my fault?
...Is it possible that I am dead? Somehow writing this, but not existing? Because that would make more sense. Perhaps something has weighed down so heavily on my body, that I escaped it, and am staring down at myself. No... It's not possible.
I don't feel good. I feel like I'm going to pass out.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know. Please God, tell me what to do... Tell me what to do because I can't figure this out.
What did I do? Did I deserve this?
God, I really don't feel good....Oh God, I hurt. This fucking hurts, this fucking hurts, this fucking hurts. It all just HURTS so much.
Please Lord help me. Take this away from me. Let me die.
My stomach hurts so bad. I feel my body, my chest, it's all closing....
I wish he was here.
I really do. He'd hold me in his arms and take this away from me, I KNOW he would. I wish he could be here to tell me that I'm OKAY, and that he has me now. That it's OKAY to cry. Because right now, I don't know what to do. But he'd tell me it's okay, I know he would. I wish he was here so bad... I'd give anything to have him, to see his hands holding me, for him to kiss away this FUCKING PAIN. I wish that he'd just take this all away from me, BECAUSE I'M REALLY SCARED RIGHT NOW... I miss him so much. I need him.
But he doesn’t need or want me…I’m not wanted…I’m alone
GOD WHAT DID I DO?
4.15.2009
I Am...
I am unseen, a living ghost among those who have perceived knowledge of my true character
My face, giving the illusion of appearing perfectly content, all the while my eyes screaming for someone to notice my anguish
My being, seemingly numb and devoid of spirit from the heart wrenching pain ripping me apart from the inside
I am hopeless, looking for any vast source of magic to present itself within my empty existence
Always dreaming, of inapplicable desires, never quite within the grasp of my consciousness
Always loving, blindly by assuming the best in the one I believe to always be true, only to find myself falling with no one there to catch me
I am consumed, by the dark corners of my mind, negating any allowance to see the clear light of day
Deep tears, never to be exposed for my prideful fear of accepting anyone into my unconventional world without passing judgment
Deep hate, for that of which I have become, a stranger to my own reflection
I am me and one day…
I will be free
My face, giving the illusion of appearing perfectly content, all the while my eyes screaming for someone to notice my anguish
My being, seemingly numb and devoid of spirit from the heart wrenching pain ripping me apart from the inside
I am hopeless, looking for any vast source of magic to present itself within my empty existence
Always dreaming, of inapplicable desires, never quite within the grasp of my consciousness
Always loving, blindly by assuming the best in the one I believe to always be true, only to find myself falling with no one there to catch me
I am consumed, by the dark corners of my mind, negating any allowance to see the clear light of day
Deep tears, never to be exposed for my prideful fear of accepting anyone into my unconventional world without passing judgment
Deep hate, for that of which I have become, a stranger to my own reflection
I am me and one day…
I will be free
2.27.2009
Just Begining
I have lived my entire life completely sure of who I am. And it hasn’t been until recently that I have lost myself. So this is my futile attempt to try and find myself once again, by putting down my feelings, life experiences and worries to words. Anyone that has any form of advice or comment will always be welcome to me.
Here is a little bit about me and my trials and tribulations thus far in my life, so everyone can get a better idea of who I am. My name is Nomad and I used to through seizures when I was a baby. I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia, which means basically that I have extremely low blood sugar. When I was five years old my father left my mother the day before Mothers day, and only saw him once since then about a year ago. When I was maybe eight my mother almost died, and that is a whole story within itself. At the age of ten my family and I were homeless, and barley able to remain living at a local motel. That part of my life is very relatable to the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” if anyone has seen that. My grandmother, that I never met before died when I was fourteen. It is a regret that I am going to have to adjust to over time. At fifteen my brother was diagnosed with cancer. However one year later, the cancer was gone, and the sun never shone brighter in my eyes.
I try not to dwell in the past. If it weren’t for every remotely negative occurrence that has happened to me, I wouldn’t have been able to grow as much as I have in this life. Please feel free to comment!
Here is a little bit about me and my trials and tribulations thus far in my life, so everyone can get a better idea of who I am. My name is Nomad and I used to through seizures when I was a baby. I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia, which means basically that I have extremely low blood sugar. When I was five years old my father left my mother the day before Mothers day, and only saw him once since then about a year ago. When I was maybe eight my mother almost died, and that is a whole story within itself. At the age of ten my family and I were homeless, and barley able to remain living at a local motel. That part of my life is very relatable to the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” if anyone has seen that. My grandmother, that I never met before died when I was fourteen. It is a regret that I am going to have to adjust to over time. At fifteen my brother was diagnosed with cancer. However one year later, the cancer was gone, and the sun never shone brighter in my eyes.
I try not to dwell in the past. If it weren’t for every remotely negative occurrence that has happened to me, I wouldn’t have been able to grow as much as I have in this life. Please feel free to comment!
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