I am unseen, a living ghost among those who have perceived knowledge of my true character
My face, giving the illusion of appearing perfectly content, all the while my eyes screaming for someone to notice my anguish
My being, seemingly numb and devoid of spirit from the heart wrenching pain ripping me apart from the inside
I am hopeless, looking for any vast source of magic to present itself within my empty existence
Always dreaming, of inapplicable desires, never quite within the grasp of my consciousness
Always loving, blindly by assuming the best in the one I believe to always be true, only to find myself falling with no one there to catch me
I am consumed, by the dark corners of my mind, negating any allowance to see the clear light of day
Deep tears, never to be exposed for my prideful fear of accepting anyone into my unconventional world without passing judgment
Deep hate, for that of which I have become, a stranger to my own reflection
I am me and one day…
I will be free
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Wow, Tobias, I could have written this I relate so much. To read this is both a great encouragement to me (for someone to feel the same way as I do is always an encouragement), and a stab because I know the pain you feel.
ReplyDeleteBut the pain in your writing is not the only thing that makes our writing similar: it is also the hope.
We cannot loose that hope. Lately, I have found it's light dwindling. As the darkness encroaches, I must re-ignite it.
What do you hope in?
You have no idea how much joy it brings me to see that there is someone out there that can possibly understand what I am feeling. I have felt so alone lately.
ReplyDeleteIt’s ironic that you should ask me that, because as of late I haven’t been able to figure out the answer myself. I have never been a religious person myself so I could never look to god for hope, and the idea the idea of having hope for the future seemed to naive to me because as time goes on it seems more difficult to find any form of beauty in the world. Can I ask you the same question?
Yes, you can. I'm glad that you did. It's interesting that you brought faith into it, because God is who I hope in. Now, I don't want to sound preachy, but if there isn't a God then what is there to hope in really?
ReplyDeleteHere is what I find hope in, and I hope that you can find hope in it too. Basically, there is good news, and there is bad news. We (humans) are sinful, and are separated from a perfectly just God because of it. God loves us, but he can't tolerate all of our evil.
So, God sends his only son Jesus to live a perfect life. Then, Jesus dies and takes the punishment that everyone but him deserves. Jesus then rises again and gives everyone the opportunity to live without their shame, be cleansed of sin, and spend the life after death in heaven, not hell (as we all deserve). All we need to to is believe that Jesus is God and confess with our mouth that God raised Him from the dead--then we will be saved. He then gives us hope, forgiveness, and peace. So, amidst all of the turmoil of my life, I can find hope in the fact that God loves me, and that Jesus died for me. Furthermore, God will get me through anything.
I hope I didn't sound preachy, because I just wanted to share with you the most important aspect of my life. If you want to read the message in a little bit more of a normal 'me' way you can read it in the second half of my post "what would be my profile" on my blog (just search "what would be my profile" up near the toolbar of my blog Falling Wings of Glass, the Writings of).